What am I Between?
For mothers of loss ... be it pregnancy loss, still birth or death of a child ... I think we will always be between two worlds. In one world we are with the child we miss and in our other world life goes on. Physically I know we are in the second world, but our hearts and minds never forget our babies, our children.
For me personally I thought I was stuck between grieving for the babies I wish had not died, and moving on with life. At least I felt stuck until recently ...
This summer I have visited with, skyp-ed with, text-ed with and emailed with dozens of baby loss moms and their wise words have helped get un-stuck. I'm still between ... but now I am not stuck. I have come to realize that moving forward with life does not mean I have to stop missing and longing for the children I wish I could hold in my arms. I can move forward with my grief. I will most likely always live between grief and moving on with life. Somedays closer to grief and sadness and longing; somedays closer to moving forward, continuing on with life as it is. I have felt God's peace in this realization. I have felt release ... I do not need to try "put it all behind me and go back to being the old me". I tried that for a time and while many people might have been fooled by my great act, I was never successful at finding the "old me" ... I am forever changed by loss. I used to view that change as bad and undesirable and I tried to hide it. I think that was because loss feels bad, no need to sugar coat it ... losing a loved one at any age just SUCKS!!!! But the way loss has changed me as a person is not a bad thing. The short lives of my babies, who now live in heaven, changed me. Falling in love with them and then learning to live without holding them in my arms has made me a different person. I hope the changes in me have honored my babies and that I am a better person because of their short lives. I hope the changes in me have honored God too.