Gifts of Love at the Cemetery

I had sometime all to myself today ... kids were all occupied and busy, so I thought I would take a few holiday things to the cemetery. Its an odd feeling being there ... looking around... so much love displayed in the wreaths and flowers and trinkets that people leave, especially on the "Babyland Hill" where our tiny Journey is buried.

As a mom with a baby in heaven you still have this strong desire to "mother", to care for, to DO something for your baby. I am sure to many people out there that seems so strange and odd. But honestly I think its natural ... its instinct ... and it hurts even more if/when we try to hide from it. I know people in my life question: why does she still go there? And why in the world does she take pictures there? And when will she get over this?

Well, I am learning something ... you never get over this ... I am forever changed. Like it or not, this is who I am. I know that Journey needs no actual parenting now. Heaven is a perfect place with the perfect parent ... but I am still here in a very NOT perfect place. I think for many many parents who wish they could have held and rocked and kissed their babies taking things to their baby's graves or creating memory shelves at home in their child's memory helps ease that aching ... I suppose its a difficult thing to understand, especially if you have never been there. I'm not sure I can put any more words to the idea. But I know that bringing flowers and a stuffed animal to Journey's grave and keeping his angel and candle and name on my shelf bring me healing and some sense of peace.

I pray as this season of holidays approaches that peace would surround us and we would be kind and gentle to those in our lives trying to figure out just how to celebrate when hearts are so broken.

November 15th

Nov 15th 2004 was the day we learned that the baby I was pregnant with had died ... he or she was our first loss ... it was a very difficult time. We decided to name him/her (though I really believe she was a she) Liberty John. A friend made this beautiful picture for me in rememberance of Liberty:

11-11-11

All I want is to be delivering my baby today, spending the night recovering in a hospital bed and snuggling my newborn little boy ... but that will never happen ... he is waiting for me in heaven. I've found that so many in my life would expect that I should have "moved on", "gotten over this by now", and "stop dwelling on it." I've stopped trying to explain it to those who make comments like that. I have been blessed with support and understanding from other moms at organizations like:

Anchored By Hope

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Missing Grace Foundation

Babies Remembered

www.october15th.com

Infants Remembered In Silence (IRIS)

Grieve Out Loud

Sufficient Grace Ministries

This week ...

This week marks the week out baby Journey would have been born, had he survived. I'm having a very tough Sunday, but am glad I stopped at the grave site on such a beautiful sunny day.

Because he was buried with other babies lost in pregnancy, it is a common grave and only marked with the date they were buried, Aug 6th, 2011. It was a beautiful service.

My friend Sara saw the pictures and worked her editing magic to give us a picture with Journey's name on the headstone:

I'm sorry November, but I really just don't like you

November is not my favorite month ... most people assume its because the weather is getting colder, and days are getting shorter. And while I'm not fond of either of those characteristics of November, my reasons are different ones. November is the month we experienced our first pregnancy loss (in 2004) . We named that baby Liberty John. I often think we would have called her Libby. I know she was born straight into heaven ... never knew pain or sadness of fear, but still I miss her and wish she could have been a physical presence in our family. I suppose that is a bit selfish ... but its true.


And this year only strengthens my dislike for this month. We expected and planned to welcome a new baby boy on 11-11-11 (cool date for a birthday, ha?) His name is Journey Peace. But he made his journey to peace in May ... again he knew no pain or sadness or fear ... he is full of joy and peace; as I imagine that is all one would feel in heaven. My babies can look right into their Heavenly Father's face and feel such love. But my journey here is not finished and I still live in this fallen world, surrounded by hurt and sadness and fear and I am weary in this battle. Today I am sad and hurt and confused. I want so badly to hold my babies.

Oct 2nd 2011 - Between

What am I Between?

For mothers of loss ... be it pregnancy loss, still birth or death of a child ... I think we will always be between two worlds. In one world we are with the child we miss and in our other world life goes on. Physically I know we are in the second world, but our hearts and minds never forget our babies, our children.

For me personally I thought I was stuck between grieving for the babies I wish had not died, and moving on with life. At least I felt stuck until recently ...

This summer I have visited with, skyp-ed with, text-ed with and emailed with dozens of baby loss moms and their wise words have helped get un-stuck. I'm still between ... but now I am not stuck. I have come to realize that moving forward with life does not mean I have to stop missing and longing for the children I wish I could hold in my arms. I can move forward with my grief. I will most likely always live between grief and moving on with life. Somedays closer to grief and sadness and longing; somedays closer to moving forward, continuing on with life as it is. I have felt God's peace in this realization. I have felt release ... I do not need to try "put it all behind me and go back to being the old me". I tried that for a time and while many people might have been fooled by my great act, I was never successful at finding the "old me" ... I am forever changed by loss. I used to view that change as bad and undesirable and I tried to hide it. I think that was because loss feels bad, no need to sugar coat it ... losing a loved one at any age just SUCKS!!!! But the way loss has changed me as a person is not a bad thing. The short lives of my babies, who now live in heaven, changed me. Falling in love with them and then learning to live without holding them in my arms has made me a different person. I hope the changes in me have honored my babies and that I am a better person because of their short lives. I hope the changes in me have honored God too.

Prayer Service and Burial at Resurrection Cemetery

I'm not sure I'm ready to write much about the service and burial yesterday. I am grateful for those who attended and showed us love and support and grateful for those who covered us in prayers even though they could not be there physically.

Truthfully I think for me Tuesday was much more difficult and lonely ... the service yesterday was very honoring and comforting.

Some thoughts on Art & Grief

As I've spent some time this past month with other baby loss mamas and browsed many sites online, I could not help but notice the art used to grieve. There are photos, drawings, painting, sculptures, jewelry, poetry ... and many more! I'm not certain I really understand the healing connection between art and grief, but for me its has been a blessing to see my angels' names used in some beautiful art and it has inspired me to use my angels' names.
















In many forms of art we need to work with our hands. Be it molding or drawing or painting or forming or beading ... there seems to be something soothing about our hands being "at work". And then when we can sit back and look at the piece of art there is a sense of accomplishment or completion. For me, at least, there is something therapeutic about finishing something, completing something beautiful. Perhaps because there was a beautiful little life that I miss, that did not get to be finished ... we never got to see the finished product of the baby we so loved and wanted.





Several years ago when my sister, Missy, passed away I spent hours and hours beading Psalm 23 bracelets because just weeks before her passing she had given me a handmade Psalm 23 bracelet. In those hours that I could not sleep, in those times my mind just could not make sense of anything I was able to "do" something, "make" something, complete something. I think it was also helpful that I was continually repeating the 23rd Psalm over and over as I made the bracelets. Last month, when we learned that the baby I was carrying had died I was crushed, grief stricken and I struggled to accomplish much of anything. Especially during those restless hours in the middle of the night I felt a need to keep my hands busy, so I pulled out my bags of beads. I began to string bead after bead and make bracelet after bracelet. It was busy work I suppose, but not so complicated that I had to concentrate very hard. My mind could reel and my hands could keep working ... something therapeutic about that for me. Through a "God-sidence" I learned to make adorable little beaded angels just after we lost Journey and now I have spent many hours beading angels for other baby loss moms. I have begun to call them my Journey Angels ... they remind me of our sweet baby Journey, but I also hope they will bless each mom's journey as she grieves and heals.










I know I could start a whole other post about this but I feel I should mention that my husband does not grieve this way ... if I had tried to get him involved in beading or anything crafty he would not have found it therapeutic or helpful. Each person will process through grief in their own way, in their own time. There will be things that are helpful to some but cumbersome to others. I hope you find what works for you ... find what helps you.

My Vision ...

I've had visions or dreams or hazy thoughts about those I love in heaven for years now. Its hard to love someone so much and then think of never seeing them again. One vision I continue to have is of my sweet almost-sister, Missy (not my biological sister but a close friend who lived with us while were in high school). When asked we always just answered "yes, we're sisters" ... anyway we lost our first angel baby back in 2004. Then I lost my sister in 2006 ... there has always been something comforting about the fact that my sister would be there in heaven with my babies. Now, I know there are no tears and no pain or sorrow in heaven, my babies will never know sadness or lonliness, but I'm not in heaven and really have no possible way of comprehending what its like for them. The bible assures me they are at peace and I believe that. Still, I can't help but have these visions and images of of my beautiful sister, Missy healed and healthy glowing and white and she is not alone, she is holding the smallest of my babies with such love and care while the other three sit and cuddle near by. Its a calming image in my mind and it brings me peace. The photo above was the last photo ever taken of my sister, she was visiting my home in Jan 2006, just a few weeks before she passed away. The baby she was snuggling is Zeke (he is 5 now)

Our Angel Babies Names ... written in the sand

There is this wonderful mommy, Carly, in Australia who took her grief and sadness after losing her tiny son and she turned it into help and healing for not just her but many angle mommies. She takes the most beautiful sunset pictures at a beach near her house. And while you can buy her photography if you would like, for parents that have lost a child of any age (before, during or after birth) She will write the name of our angels in the sand and photograph it for free and then post the pictures along with what ever other information you wish to post.

To see the beautiful pictures Carly took during sunset on a beach in Australia click on each name:


Liberty angel date Nov 15 2004

Elijah angel date Sept 2007

Eden angel date Aug 2010

Journey angel date May 2011

These last few weeks - Part 2

I've been trying to find a good online video or youtube video with the lyrics to this beautiful song by Michael W Smith, titled "Hello, Good-bye". Below is the best I could find ... its a tribute to triplets who died too soon, but they have the lyrics added in ... I love the song




Over the years and as I have walked along the road of sorrow I've found that art and music can provide much healing therapy. I've been searching out appropriate songs this past week and compiled them together in a playlist on you tube.





And years ago it became my habit to make Psalm 23 bracelets whenever I was troubled or could not sleep. It keeps my hands busy, yet doesn't require as much concentration as some crafts. So the other night started making psalm 23 bracelets again. Wednesday I needed some more beads and a friend offered to drive me to a local bead store near our home. The lady working in the bead store happened to have made these adorable little angels from beads ... I was so taken with them. She took time right then and there to teach me how to make them. So, bow I can change it up ... Psalm 23 bracelets some sleepless nights and tiny beaded angels on other nights.

Here are a few pictures of my newest angels and bracelets:

Words I Can Relate To Today

I keep wanting to write ... I keep willing words to come out ... something that makes some sort of sense, something that in some way explains what I am feeling and experiencing, but nothing comes ... I can't muster the words. So instead, today I searched for other's words:



For it was not into my ear you whispered but into my heart.
It was not my lips you kissed but my soul.
~Judy Garland




No one sees the broken heart
That lies beneath my smile
No one sees the loneliness
Thats with me all the while
Silent tears gently fall
That others do not see
For my precious child
Who meant the world to me.
~Author Unknown





My blood, my breath – all you ever needed
My heart, filled with a mother’s love
the moment I knew
My arms, never to hold you close
My eyes, never to behold you face
My ears, never to hear you cry
My soul– the only connection to you
I have left.

By Christine Grabow,
Mom to Jordan Grabow,
Miscarried April 29, 2002






There is a sacredness in tears
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power
They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues.
They are the messengers of overwhelming grief
Of deep contrition and unspeakable love.
~Washington Irving



For those few weeks-- I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-- I came to know you. . . and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life. Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks—
When I lost you. I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams and aspirations. . .
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-- It wasn't enough to convince others how special and
important you were. How odd, a truly unique person has recently died and
no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks—
And no "normal" person would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were those few weeks my little one you darted in and out of my life too
quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~By Susan Erling





Please
by Amy Cady (written 3/99)
for Hope (lost 1/10/99)


Please do not ask if I am better now -
Know that I am not.

Please do not simply ask, "How are you?"
I am grieving. My child is dead.

Please do not ask my husband, "How is your wife?"
Comfort HIM.

Please do not say, "Has it already been three months?"
It feels like three years to me.

Please do not make less of my baby's life by saying, "You'll have more."
She was the one I wanted.

Please do not tell me, "Time will heal."
Time is a four-letter word.

Please do not say, "God knows best."
I am angry with God.

Please do not say, "She is in Heaven."
I want her here.

Please do not tell me how great your life is -
I am living a nightmare.

Please do not tell me about someone else's healthy new baby -
It's like a knife through my flat, empty belly.

Please do not say, "You look as if you were never pregnant!"
I WANT to look pregnant. I want to BE pregnant.

Please do not keep silent and not mention her name -
She was real - do you not think so?

Please do not ask, "What do you need?"
I need my baby.

Please do not say, "If there is anything I can do..."
Please just do it. I can't ask.
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Please do not ask if I am better now -
You know that I am not.



http://www.babylosscomfort.com/grief-resources/#specialNeeds

10 Worst Things To Say...

In my own grieving and searching today I came across this beautiful blog

I want to thank Danielle for her bravery in her blog ... so many people just don't know what it is like to loose a baby or a pregnancy ... so many say things with out realizing the hurt they cause.

Losing A Baby: The 10 Worst Things to Say to a Grieving Person: "I came across this article this morning and thought I would share. The Ten Worst Things to Say to a Grieving Person 1. I know how you f..."