Friday, November 18, 2011
I had sometime all to myself today ... kids were all occupied and busy, so I thought I would take a few holiday things to the cemetery. Its an odd feeling being there ... looking around... so much love displayed in the wreaths and flowers and trinkets that people leave, especially on the "Babyland Hill" where our tiny Journey is buried.
As a mom with a baby in heaven you still have this strong desire to "mother", to care for, to DO something for your baby. I am sure to many people out there that seems so strange and odd. But honestly I think its natural ... its instinct ... and it hurts even more if/when we try to hide from it. I know people in my life question: why does she still go there? And why in the world does she take pictures there? And when will she get over this?
Well, I am learning something ... you never get over this ... I am forever changed. Like it or not, this is who I am. I know that Journey needs no actual parenting now. Heaven is a perfect place with the perfect parent ... but I am still here in a very NOT perfect place. I think for many many parents who wish they could have held and rocked and kissed their babies taking things to their baby's graves or creating memory shelves at home in their child's memory helps ease that aching ... I suppose its a difficult thing to understand, especially if you have never been there. I'm not sure I can put any more words to the idea. But I know that bringing flowers and a stuffed animal to Journey's grave and keeping his angel and candle and name on my shelf bring me healing and some sense of peace.
I pray as this season of holidays approaches that peace would surround us and we would be kind and gentle to those in our lives trying to figure out just how to celebrate when hearts are so broken.