I had sometime all to myself today ... kids were all occupied and busy, so I thought I would take a few holiday things to the cemetery. Its an odd feeling being there ... looking around... so much love displayed in the wreaths and flowers and trinkets that people leave, especially on the "Babyland Hill" where our tiny Journey is buried.
As a mom with a baby in heaven you still have this strong desire to "mother", to care for, to DO something for your baby. I am sure to many people out there that seems so strange and odd. But honestly I think its natural ... its instinct ... and it hurts even more if/when we try to hide from it. I know people in my life question: why does she still go there? And why in the world does she take pictures there? And when will she get over this?
Well, I am learning something ... you never get over this ... I am forever changed. Like it or not, this is who I am. I know that Journey needs no actual parenting now. Heaven is a perfect place with the perfect parent ... but I am still here in a very NOT perfect place. I think for many many parents who wish they could have held and rocked and kissed their babies taking things to their baby's graves or creating memory shelves at home in their child's memory helps ease that aching ... I suppose its a difficult thing to understand, especially if you have never been there. I'm not sure I can put any more words to the idea. But I know that bringing flowers and a stuffed animal to Journey's grave and keeping his angel and candle and name on my shelf bring me healing and some sense of peace.
I pray as this season of holidays approaches that peace would surround us and we would be kind and gentle to those in our lives trying to figure out just how to celebrate when hearts are so broken.
I still, 2 years later, visit my daughters grave. I feel the need to "tend" it, like I am still taking care of her. The need to love and protect your children doesn't wane easily. Plus, I visit her there because I feel connected to her physical body...the body I held and kissed. I know she isn't there anymore, but her body, that small, warm, body that held her strong spirit, it is there, and it is sacred to me. I will probably be visiting there for years to come. SHE is there.
ReplyDeleteJourney's grave looks beautiful. And yes, we still NEED to care for our babies, somehow, here on earth. I know I want to forever have my Sebby's things around our home. I sometimes wish I had a grave to go and 'decorate' and 'nurture' in his name.
ReplyDeleteNo we won't forget them. And our kids won't forget their sibling. And there's nothing wrong with - and everything right with keeping their memory alive.
I don't have a grave for my little one but I have found a part of the cemetery, I like to visit and sit with a few ornaments, where other parents have for their children. I like to maintain their little memorials, with fresh flowers and lighting candles as well and taking pictures and writing letters. It's nice to know, I'm not the only one.. xx
ReplyDeleteHeather, I would spend all day and night at Sam's mausoleum. This is the only place that I feel close to his body. Like Mary said, I know he's not there but the tiny body that was once warm that I kissed and dressed for the one and only time; its there behind a piece of granite. That is the only thing between me and those memories, one piece of granite. There have been many times where I have sat there sobbing and wanting nothing more than to tear that granite off.
ReplyDeleteI also will decorate it for each season and holiday. It's my way to mother Sam even when he's not here. My husband on the other hand doesn't visit very often it just not his way to feel close. Me its one of the only ways. I even had mine and my husbands name put up on the wall where wie will be when we finally meet Sam again. I love seeing my name up there it gives me peace knowing I will be right there next to him. I will " mother" my baby for as long as I'm living. Even if that means others think I'm crazy…
Heather--I know what you mean. We do still have a need or instinct to mother them and if their grave is the only physical thing we can do that to, we find ourselves doing that. When I visit my son's grave I treat it as if it is his bed or something. My emotions take over, sadness has covered me and my tears just flow as I clean up the space as best I can....just to have busy fingers/hands for my son. I don't go very often so I never get accustomed to this place. It's very sad for me.......I cry even thinking about it. If he was closer, and one day we'll get him closer, I would be more used to visiting him and how to act, but for now, this is all I can do. And it's the best I can do. And so for you--you do what you need to. What your heart tells you to. That's what's right. Sending hugs--
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As parents who have lost babies I completely feel your need to *parent* Journey....I tend to get lost in that concept myself. While I don't have a resting place for my babies in an official capacity....I often go to the cemetary where my grandma is buried and visit her and talk to my babies, because I can see them up there sitting on her knee .... being loved as I would love them.
ReplyDeleteMy son passed away in May of this year. We go to his plot and we put flowers out there. I like going out there, it is peaceful. Sometimes I weep with sobs, and other times I silently cry. Next time I go, I want to bring my bible and sit and read to Gideon. He is in heaven with the Lord and I want to be close to the Lord too. I will always go out to his plot to visit. He is my child. It is a way I remember my son and the way I can actively love him on earth, even though he is in heaven. It makes me feel closer to him....I know that my son's body was just his shell and that he is in eternity, but I love being close to the body that I held inside of me for 33 weeks, the body that I hugged and kissed and snuggled after he was born. When I go to the plot, I look at his name and I smile and cry. I remember the good times, the beautiful times we had with our son...I will pull weeds on the plot if their are any and I fix his flowers in his vase. I am making some special Christmas flowers and maybe a wreath to bring out to his plot for Christmas....This is the way I get to "mother" him.
ReplyDeleteIn our house, we have about 10 pictures of him out. My hubby and I both have pictures of him on our facebook page. I have the clothes he wore and the hat he wore and his blanket kept in a safe place that I take out and look at and hold. Each one of my siblings and my parents have copies of every single picture we have of Gideon and so do some close family friends.
I wear a necklace that has my sons footprints engraved on them. So that I can take him everywhere I go. I will always wear that necklace. My mom has one too that she wears every day. I have so many people ask me about it, and I get to tell them about my son.
These are things we do to keep our childrens memory alive. Even if our children were alive for a short time, they deserve to be remembered. Our children are deeply loved. You dont ever let go of a love that deep. The connection of a parent and child is never ending. And one day, we will be in heaven with the Lord and we will get to wrap our arms around our children again! :)
I love having a few special places for Zoe & Addie here at my home, as well as special trees planted for them in our front yard. Those are my special ways to honor them. Grief looks different for everyone and I pray people will become more gracious in allowing you your expressions of grief that are so sweet and not harming anyone, they are helping you move forward in your life here on earth as the mother of ALL your children, those here with you and those waiting on the other side. I wish people wouldn't be so quick to judge a situation they have never been in before, and that they would give your heart the benefit of the doubt. Much love to you Heather xx
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't visit as much as in the first year, I still love to visit her and take her flowers for each season. My fav time to visit is when the weather is warm and I can just lay on the grass. I have even fallen asleep on her grave! People need to quit judging your actions b/c they are totally normal.
ReplyDeleteHeather, I understand the need to take care of “all” of your children. How can we not? We are mothers. I hope you find peace and comfort this holday season and other do not need to judge for the way you love your “Children”, all of them. hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am heading to the ceremony tomorrow .. and will visit there as much as I can for as long as I am able ... anything else would just not feel right.
ReplyDeleteWhat lovely decorations. I stilll visit my sons grave we just recently celebrated his 3 yr angelversarry. It brings me some peace and lets me "still do something" for him! Hugs mama this is totally normal!
ReplyDeleteHeather, I can so relate to your desire to mother your children...all of your children. Even years later it strikes me that I am allowed to mother Timothy and James on this earth in a thousand ways everyday, but there is little I can do to satisfy the longing I still have in my heart to parent Faith, Grace, and Thomas. I am not one that visits the cemetery often, but that is just my individual choice. There are other acts that I do that make me feel as if I am mothering them. Every time I deliver a Dreams of You package or minister to the needs of a grieving heart, I feel as if I am acting as their mother. Their pictures are displayed in our house...well, Thomas'. We do have a frame of Faith's and Grace's footprints. Their ornaments will adorn our tree. They will be spoken of and remembered...if only by us. My husband moved the concrete angel statues given to us as a gift when we lost the babies (I think from my mother) into his garden. (A big step for him...since it is a fairly new thing for him to acknowledge them in outward ways...after all these years.)
ReplyDeleteThere are many other ways they are a part of our lives...and it is important to have a special place to honor their memory. Many moms feel that a way of parenting their children in heaven outwardly is to care for their graves. And, that is a beautiful gesture...in fact, sometimes I have mommy-guilt that I don't do a better job of that!! The point is that there is nothing wrong with the way you are choosing to mother your child in heaven. Others who have not walked this path may not understand. But, you will always be Journey's mama...and you are being the best mother to her you can, honoring her life.
Blessings to you, beautiful mama!
We will always be a parent to our babies who are not here with us on earth. And we MUST find a way to intertwine them into the lives we live here. For me, my Bella lives on in each Illuminate class I teach. It's the way I share her story, I am able to talk to her, to meet so many other wonderful baby loss moms who are walking this lonely road. It's the way I am able to share her story and photograph just for her. Wherever she is, she knows she is loved because her legacy is living on. xo.
ReplyDeleteI totally get it. I visit my babies graves often and leave things there for them too. I think it is healing for my pre-school age son as well. He remembers both of our other children's pregnancies and deaths. If we would just "forget about it" what would be teaching him about grief? Much less how to be compassionate to the grieving. I will be making their Christmas flowers this week and taking them soon. Such a small act we can still do as parents of babies in Heaven...
ReplyDeleteWe lost our fifth child, George, in May 2009. When you said you won't get "over" your baby's death it resonated with me because it's so true. So many people who have not had a baby die want us to be "over" the grief when in reality we get *through* it. It's always there, just different with time. Our George was cremated after his funeral because we were moving so his earthly remains are here in our home until he is someday buried with me. I have met other bereaved mothers here and their babies are at nearby cemetaries - where in all cases the graves of babies and children are lovingly tended not just for years after they died, but decades. Mothers need to caretake as you so eloquently explained it. Even if we grieve with hope, it's the human mothers in us who long to hold and love and raise our babies, isn't it? And I've reminded several well-meaning people in my life that it is blessed are they who mourn - not blessed are they who get "over" it; our Lord knew grief and sorrow and he wept even knowing he could restore life. (((Hugs)))
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